Dating Life Series #21: Trying To Find True Love

                            TRYING TO FIND TRUE LOVE

                                                                                            LATTE ART BY ME. MICHELLE.

Just to be clear, I am not necessarily trying to find true love. Trying to find true love in general is actually hard these days so even if I wanted to try, everyone that I do come across is not ready to take those next steps. That's what I am here to write about ironically. I'm just sitting here alone smoking a joint, sipping some wine. Real Love by Mary J Blige came on since I was also listening to music. As I was vibing and singing along, feeling the lyrics. It came to me. Boom. Trying to find real true love. Since I've worked in the food industry starting at fourteen years old, I have learned to become a great observer. Naturally I apply that to my everyday life. Which inspired my photography. Most importantly, I discover patterns and habits between people. This tendency that I have to naturally observe, causes me to judge you in a way where I can tell what kind of person you are by your energy, the way you walk, the way you talk. Certain energies from people I come across feel very heavy. So I know to avoid you or I know to stay around. It's crazy how life works. Through all of my relationships, friendships, and customer service experiences as someone who is becoming older and wiser, it is really hard to think about even wanting a relationship, wanting to take someone serious or be friends with certain people. Everyday I still have to motivate myself and strive to build a foundation for myself. So that I can always be able to provide for myself and the people that I love. True love can even apply to friendships. Hence why people don't stick around. 

    It's been six months since my break up. I've had enough time to think about things. The conclusion that I came to so far was that it was my first real adult relationship. I really did love him a lot. He might have been my first true love in life. I won't know until I keep living life. All these other relationships, situationships, flings, etc, weren't as real as this relationship that I had with this guy. We were actually friends for a little bit, casually dating, exclusively dating, just whatever for a year before he asked me to be his girlfriend. I think that's the right way to do things. Maybe we should have been friends for longer before liking each other or maybe we should have never moved in together at that time. I'm kind of on both sides of the fence. My Ex had a lot of ventures to worry about and I didn't put that into consideration. Meanwhile I'm just floating through life looking for someone to love and love me back the same way. Not really knowing what I want to do in life. I am the kind of person who is independent but still is looking for the kind of love where you're obsessed with me. This is all due to trauma in the household as a child. It's obvious. I'm in the process of writing a memoir about my entire life where I dive deeper. My parents never really paid as much attention to me as they should have. That's probably why I need real love, someone to take care of me in a way where I am still taking care of myself if you know what I mean. Obviously because I was working at fourteen years old, I felt like I could do whatever I wanted since then. I've been to house parties, club parties, party buses, all kinds of shit way before I turned eighteen years old. I remember getting home at five in the morning, to wake up around six thirty to buy a pair of the Powder Blue Jordan 3's. That was a wild night. I was only fourteen. I honestly think I snuck out and came back before my mom woke up. Everytime. 

   Regardless of my wild days as a young girl, my parents weren't really parenting. I've always found my own way to whatever I wanted to do without their help. This is where my independence started. My mom was too busy having boyfriends. My dad was too busy partying. So basically, I'm doing both of those things as a young girl. Growing up in The Bronx, I've always had cool friends, resources, learning experiences and just vibes. There were definitely bad ones. The good ones outdo the bad ones. I had a fun ass time during my childhood even through all the bullshit. My friendships and relationships are what made my life what my life is. There are people I still talk to that have seen me grow up through my absolute worst and my best. There are people who aren't around anymore. There are people who I think about everyday where I wish I did or said something different. The way I keep going in life is telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Things will fall into place. The way my life is going right now, I actually manifested all of these things I am working on. It might be a bumpy bus ride, but the stops along the way are teaching me to be patient, to be free, and to keep going until the last stop. 

    What does all of this have to do with finding true love? Well. Let me continue. So because of the way my life is set up, and the things I have to do and sacrifice, it's almost impossible to find someone who is on the same level as me at this current stage in my life. Not in a horrible way. More like, I know specifically who has the best intentions for me and who doesn't. I feel it in my bones. I have high standards even though I might not be rich yet. I don't need to be rich to have high standards but I have rich energy. I also believe I'm still young. With that being said, I haven't been in the mood since my break up to take guys seriously, have sex or anything. Of course men holla at me or whatever but they're not the ones i'm interested in. Nobody strikes my vagina. I finally did have sex a few days ago. I had sex with a guy who's been coming to the coffee shop that I work at for as long as I've been working there. I always thought he was cute. He stood out to me. But I guess you can say I was distracted with my ex. He wasn't flirting with me or anything. And I'm not saying I should have been pursuing him because I still think about my Ex sometimes. I was focused on my ex regardless and even now, I'm focused on creating a better life. I feel like my ex and I need to have one more updated conversation. Especially because I wish we were still friends after everything that happened. That's why timing and energy is everything. Time allows me to make time for things or people I want to make time for. Energy allows me to sense energy, use energy and return energy. This applies towards everything that happens in my life. I am in control. 

   I have been trying to socially get out there more. There was one guy I kind of started talking too way before the coffee shop guy came into the picture. Let's name him Keith. He's a mutual friend from friends in high school. We hung out one time many years ago but never spoke again after that time. Keith was very attractive. We followed each other on instagram again and it went from there. He picked me up from work one day, I slept over his house. We hung out. I slept over Keith's house maybe like two or three times. We never had sex. We did make out a couple times. Overtime, my life became complicated. In reference to what you read earlier, Keith wasn't someone I wanted to align my energy with. He did buy me flowers one time because I told him I'm depressed. The crazy part is I wasn't impressed with the flowers at all. They were ugly to me but I appreciated the gesture. I still decided to speak to him a little bit. But I just have high standards and I couldn't bring myself to hang out with him like we did those first couple of times. That's when I started focusing more on getting my life together. Now that I'm in the process of getting my life together. I am almost where I want to be. I am now craving the want to have fun though. So I just been observing the men at my coffee shop.

   Coincidentally one day I decided to write my phone number on a post-it note along with a chicken empanada and bring it to the coffee shop guy. He didn't ask for one, it was on me. I forgot the salsa and he texted me about it. We casually hung out and grabbed some food, some drinks, and smoked some weed. We texted here and there. I gave him a few free coffees, chatted with him, we grabbed a few more meals and drinks together, he took me home many times but we never kissed until that night we had sex. The night we had sex we already had plans to hang out way before. The night before, he texted me and told me his parents will be out of town, I am welcome to stay the night. By the way, he's a great kisser. I haven't experienced the intensity of our make out sessions with anyone for a while. My ex and I didn't make out like how the coffee shop guy and I did. The Coffee Shop Guy is twenty two years old, in college, working, living life and with his parents. I don't want to distract him. I don't want to distract myself either but deep down inside I'm hoping he's a potential guy for the future. Everything will fall into place. I now know how to not ruin things. I am twenty five turning twenty six in August. I've never had sex with a guy younger than me. They've always been my age or older. 

   It was a unique experience because ever since then all I can think about is he has a lot more things in life to experience. So do I. I want to let him experience that, evolve and come back to me after if he feels it in his heart. That might be selfish but those are my thoughts. I got pretty wasted that night we had sex. I came onto him because he is very attractive looking. I gave him head on the couch in the living room. After some time we went to his bedroom. I haven't drank that much since I was in Japan. I forgot how it felt to be free with someone you like. I remember feeling comfortable enough to 100% be myself. I don't have any crazy feelings for the coffee shop guy. I do like him. It reminded me of those times in my earlier twenties, dating, partying, and having meaningless sex. This sex wasn't meaningless to me. He's positively featured in this blog post so that tells you that. The reason I like him is because I normally am attracted to cute, quiet mysterious looking guys. Positively mysterious. Mysterious in a way where I want to get to know you and break your quietness. I just know who I want to go for. In some cases, curiosity kills the cat. Other times, anything else can happen. LOL. A positive or negative learning experience. I strive to find the positives in the negatives. Besides that, he seems really calm and gentle, almost censored. He seems like someone I need to be around. I say this because I have a wild side. A mean side. Many bad sides. Me being around him more will teach me to make some bad habits go away. I also don't want to encourage them. It will also teach me that what's for me is meant for me and it will come to me, and stay. 

   I have other plans I am working on that I necessarily can't speak about. Due to these plans, I can't make time for falling in love. I can only make time for myself, the goals I need to accomplish and those who understand the vision, the goal, the journey and the destination. These plans require me to risk my entire life in a positive way. It's the main reason why It's hard to find true love. I won't be able to find someone who is willing to do the exact same thing as me. Sometimes I wish I had someone to love and care for me romantically, intimately, or passively on this journey with me. I am a great provider in all aspects. I know what I am capable of, what I bring to the table. I know one day if I ever decide to settle down and have kids I will be a great mother. I will be a great wife. But this is one of those journeys I have to start myself so I can be even greater at the things I am passionate about. To be able to provide the way I want too. As I say, energy is a big thing. I feel energy. Those who are meant to be with me will meet me somewhere throughout my journey. They might even meet me at my destination. I know I will find true love one day. Everyone has their own lives, situations, goals, and problems to worry about. 

 Some of the circumstances being put around those who have low income, no resources, and no support, make it harder for us to thrive and shine the way we are supposed to. I mention this because these are the reasons I have to work twice as hard to accomplish my goals since I can only rely on myself to get things done. I can't let someone else love me right now. I can't love anyone else back. I can't rely on anybody. I can only love myself, have fun responsibly, make observations, do the things that I love and keep it moving. There are other people who might be reading this who are going through their own things. Somehow they make a relationship work, somehow they don't. It also might not be anyone's interest because they're focused on other things. If you somehow find yourself not making a relationship work. It is because the priorities just aren't aligned the way they need to be. No matter the age. The time will come. Focus on yourself and your wealth before anybody else. Things will always turn out the way it's meant to be if you focus on the journey. Lowkey this is why I been working on a chivalry blog post for about a year. In this generation, it's hard to find a real man who can positively provide in all aspects whether or not the woman has a job or is on good terms with her family. If I had a solid man right now being able to provide for my passions, life would be great. Life used to be different a very long time ago. Chivalry is still around though. I will soon publish that blog post but it's a lot that goes into it. 

Thank you for reading :) This is from the heart while finishing an entire wine bottle by myself.