Dating Life Series #19: Was he the love of my life?

                  WAS HE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE?

                                       

This is probably going to be the hardest blog post I ever had to make. Simply because of all the emotions and memories I have to relive while writing this. I feel like I need to write about this in order for me to move on, accept fate and find myself all over again. If anyone is new here, my blog is for other people to get a glimpse of my dating life experiences the old fashioned way which is blogging. Sex and the city inspired me. Hence my first dating life series blog post " Can a woman have two boyfriends?" Writing has always been my best subject in school. My blog is my public diary. I don't want sympathy. I aim for entertainment, different opinions, different perspectives, and awareness. 

  My last blog post  titled “The One” I wrote about him. I never wanted our relationship to end. It was so magical. Everything started going downhill probably like a month or two after he asked me to be his girlfriend. We were exclusively dating each other for about a year until he asked me the popular question. I remember always joking with him, asking him "When are you gonna ask me to be your girlfriend?" I also recall my friends being so disappointed in him because he took so long to ask me. Their reasoning was because I was practically head over heels for this man and would do anything for him when he wasn't even my boyfriend. I now understand why he waited an entire year. Not that he should have never asked or waited but I think I started expecting way too much out of someone who couldn't keep up with my standards. It sounds fucked up but the second we put a title on us, things became a little rocky. 

  We still loved each other enough to move in together a few months later in hopes things would work themselves out. I remember being on the phone with him discussing it and he said " fuck it, It's all or nothing." When we moved in together things became a little harder. We had to somehow juggle our work lives, on top of running all kinds of errands from him taking me to work, picking me up from work, getting food and weed, planning date nights, etc. The crazier part is that he would tell me I need a car if I want to live with him every time I would also make jokes with him and tell him “you should just let me move in.” I remember him driving thirty minutes to sleep over with me at night knowing he was my ride to work really early the next morning. On some occasions he would pick me up and we would drive thirty minutes back to his place to then drive me forty minutes to work in the morning from his place. Other times I would uber myself or he would uber me. So it made sense for me to move in although I had no vehicle. I didn't care or think about the consequences much. I just wanted to live my life with him. Nothing mattered to me because he was already doing the driving to come stay with me for the night. By the time we moved in together we already traveled to Seattle and Las Vegas together. I was living with one of my close friends at the time. I was renting a room in their house. I didn't have my own place. I was deeply in love. I loved him to the point where I said yeah this is it, I don't need anybody else. He definitely compromised on letting me move in for sure. 

  Throughout this time of traveling within the US and moving in together, we were planning our big five week trip to Asia as well. I was working very long shifts at the time between both of my jobs. Maybe about sixty hours a week. My shifts a day would be pretty long. Averaging twelve to fourteen hour shifts a day. There was a time I worked seven days a week. The days would often be jam packed with responsibilities especially since he had to pick me up from work at night. At one point I started commuting on the bus for two hours to work and back from his place because I felt bad he had to do that for me and we kept arguing over dumb shit. I ended up quitting one of the jobs due to other personal reasons so I became very strict with my finances. Even while knowing I was going to Asia I quit only because it wasn't worth the stress. Anyways, We never really stood still. There was a time I was the one planning date nights because I felt like he fell off LOL. He owns a mobile fingerprinting business that involves him driving to his clients within the TriState area so I'm sure he had his stressful days driving all day dealing with clients. I think us moving in together turned our relationship too serious too fast when we were just having fun vibing with each other. I also think that when we moved in together we were supposed to be ready to put our all into building our foundation because why else would we move in together? I viewed us moving in together as a step in the process of us building our future together. I'm not saying that I wanted to take away his life with his friends but I just wish he took the things I asked for a bit more seriously. 

  Most of the things I asked him to do were for us, for him or with me. Things would clash when he wanted to go do things with his friends the majority of the time. I always felt like it was the wrong time every time. This started most of our arguments. He wasn't good at reading the room. There was a time I had worked from seven in the morning and didn't get home until ten at night. He had his friend over when I got home from work and that was obviously a time I wanted to decompress, especially since he's the one driving me to work in the morning LOL. I had work the following morning at six forty five. I definitely said something about it later on so it didn't happen again. Fast forward to a different time, now he's asking me to go out with his friends a night I felt like we were vibing. So that started another argument since I didn't really want him to leave. Part of me used to wonder if I was being selfish but I was just madly in love with someone who wasn't aware of the actual relationship priorities. I viewed it as we are two busy working people, I've been complaining about our sex life, we aren't as intimate with each other, we're always running around, etc. The one time we have where we are just sitting on the couch chilling, not tired, I think that is the time you take initiative to please your girlfriend. 

  The sex was way better when we didn't live together. So I would mention things like you barely kiss me sometimes, you never eat me out, sometimes you nut quick and leave me hanging, some days you don't even give me a hug or tell me you love me. God forgive me but there was a time I asked him if he was gay because I didn't understand. I know they say actions speak louder than words but I definitely needed some reassurance at this point of the relationship. My confidence was going down. For example, he would eat me out Tuesday, Wednesday but not do anything else in the other relationship categories such as hug me hello/goodbye or even call to check up on me throughout my fourteen hour shift. Then one day I randomly wake up to him finally licking my vagina. But he doesn't ever and has never slobbed on it like I need him too. He knows that which is crazy. It's all in my blog to all of my fans who know. Anyways, I'm always giving him all kinds of great crazy head. Probably like two-three times a day. Some days we have sex every other day. But he doesn't really take any initiative to do anything towards me this entire time. I'm usually the one taking initiative. So now I look like like a sex addict LOL. I let it slide and just continue being the spontaneous woman that I am, encouraging sex at random times and giving him lots of head. I am a firm believer in pleasing my man. Eighty percent of the time he would say no for those random sex occasions. We literally only had sex in the morning before work or at night before bed, sometimes even randomly at three in the morning. You know the usual cuddle session and poke his dick on my butt kinda sex. It was like we weren't having enough sex, and then we were and then we weren't. There was no balance. I was so horny. There was a moment when we first started dating, we had too much sex and I confronted him about it making sure that I wasn’t being taken advantage of. Which was crazy of me to think I know but again this was in the early stages. I really liked him a lot. I guess I wasn’t trying to get my feelings hurt. Then here we are in a point of our relationship where I feel like we weren’t having enough sex. It was more of an intimate thing for me. To further elaborate, there was rarely ever any foreplay. There was no caressing my body or feeling me up anywhere. I was looking for him to appreciate me and my body more. I just wanted him to touch me basically. I feel like that's what it felt like, he barely touched me. Even without sex being involved, he barely touched me. I'm not sure if it was because I literally always beat him to it or he just was not aware at all. That's what I have y'all reading this for to give me your opinions. :) 

  I suppose he became overwhelmed trying to handle doing everything I asked him to do for me, expressing to him how I want him to touch me more and blah blah, on top of doing everything he needed to do for himself and his business. He just wanted to love me nonchalantly when I wanted him to love me the hardest he could everyday whilst balancing his responsibilities and my current life circumstances. Which brings me to my "reading the room" statement I made earlier. I would get sad or lonely when he wanted to hang with his friends because I just wanted him to stay with me. My closest friends are kind of complicated to hang out with so it wasn't easy for me to hang out with my friends. Everybody around me was going through their own things. I had to maintain a distance so they can figure things out. I wanted him to be more intimate with me. I wanted him to feel how I felt. I felt like I just wanted to do anything and everything with him no matter what. I was focused on establishing a household I never had growing up. I never got tired of him but I think I was too clingy for him. I became more clingy when I felt like he didn't love me as much as he used to. I thought that would make him want to love me more, maybe reciprocate the exact same things I did but that honestly made things worse. I was finally ready to take something serious and love hard. I am completely aware that my main problem in this relationship was I tried to give my all to someone and forgot about giving to myself in a way. I should have continued my hobbies in order to distract myself. I enjoy taking pictures and blogging clearly. :) 

  After all of the arguments I became insecure and depressed. Somedays I felt like he loved me and thought I was beautiful. Other days I felt so ugly and those were the days I needed him to love me harder. I expressed all of this to him. But like I said, everything became too serious too fast. He couldn't handle his life responsibilities intertwined with mine and my insecurities/depression. He simply didn't know how to help me. I should've continued renting a room with my friend. I still would have gone on the Asia trip though and let life do its thing when we came back. We did go to Asia. We went to Thailand for two weeks. I went to Vietnam for four days with his little brother and sister. He got stuck in Thailand for the four days because his passport didn't match his Vietnam E-Visa that he filed online although they approved it. He met us in Tokyo. We were supposed to do three weeks in Japan until we made it halfway before we got into a drunk domestic dispute that lead me having to get a different flight back home. I had to move out of his house, put my things in a storage unit and move back in with my mom. Start over. In that situation I think we both had our wrongs due to everything that led up to the fact. I'm not justifying anything but I'm also not trying to get into the details. If you are one of my friends then you know. I just wish it didn't have to happen in Japan. Besides that, I had an amazing time out there. I highly recommend Thailand, Vietnam and Japan. I'm already planning my next BIG trip. Part of me feels like I need to do it again without a significant other. I thank him for getting me out there to experience other cultures and explore different places outside of the USA. I've always been a traveler I was just scared to go alone. But I got to see for myself with someone else that had knowledge. So ASIA/EUROPE 2024 COMING SOON! :)

  Through all the bad I have had some great positive experiences with him. We became foodies together. I LOVE FOOD. I tried a lot of new things due to his taste. I became a fan of a lot of different dishes. We were always trying to find cool things to do. My favorite thing was going to Smorgasburg in the summer. We went maybe five times our entire relationship. The best time we had was when we went to Prospect Park. We were walking to our parking spot and we spotted free things on the sidewalk. I scored a dope ass painting but I can't remember the name of the artist. ( I'll edit when I do ) He was always down for going anywhere, taking me anywhere. Trying new restaurants, always eating top tier food, exploring and drinking fine wines. I only drink hard liquor when I go out with my friends. Now I'm a wine gal in the house in props to him LOL. My 24th birthday was the best birthday a guy could have ever given me. He gifted me a vintage green Polaroid 600 to take pictures for the day. We went to my favorite breakfast place, we drove two hours to pick out my own flowers and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.  We tried to go Kayaking by the Hudson Pier but it was full. We did end up going again a few weeks later.  I don't remember what we did after that to kill time but we had dinner reservations at Beetlehouse in NYC. Which is in reference to my all time favorite movie Beetlejuice and my favorite Director Tim Burton. I remember us taking shrooms and going to Beetlehouse. I can't even explain the experience but it was amazing. We kept laughing the entire time to the point I was tearing up while trying to eat my food. I remember telling the person in some costume from Alice in Wonderland that we took shrooms, I'm high as fuck and I was sorry I couldn't stop laughing LMAO. That's all I remember from that day but I know there's more. He was a very thoughtful man when it came to spending money later on in the relationship when we moved in together. But I just didn't want that if you know what I mean. I wanted physical love and affection. Awareness of other things. One thing I can also say is he always encouraged me to try new things, to do anything I ever spoke about. I like that. I like people who tell me to do things I really am thinking about or want to do. Find the positive in a possible negative. So that's one of the main reasons I loved being around him. It inspires me to think in general. Overall he was a good person, I just think he got tired of my clinginess. So that showed me I wasn't meant for him.  

Throughout my experience in this relationship I learned a lot. I learned that I was not meant to be in a relationship at that time. Nobody was ready. I never fully 100% focused on myself. I was focusing on myself like 70%. I was almost there. The meter started glitching LOL. I learned that I need to love myself 100% always and never lose focus on my goals. I am still healing from that break up to this day. I think about him everyday even when I try not to. I don't know if I dodged a bullet or not. I don't know if i'll ever find anyone to love again. Some days I think I'll never find anything the same. Some days I think I will find way better.  I'm not even looking for love. I am also a very giving, caring, and attentive person. I show my appreciation, my love, my care in giving and being attentive. It would be nice to have someone loyal around though. Someone who has a mutual understanding that we are both taking our time with each other while working on ourselves. Not losing focus on the main goals we have for ourselves. Inspiring each other, working with each other. I always give too much so I can't give too much in the heart department anymore. But sometimes I feel like I have this radar of getting who I am actually interested in. Someone who stands out to me. It's like an itch I need to scratch LMAO. Either way, this is the year where I continue taking the photos that I want, blogging about things that I want, and traveling wherever I want. I'm not interested in settling down with anyone or taking things to the next level. I'm most interested in being able to find ways to get extra money to travel while elevating my life but still having fun while having some kind of a dating life to blog about HAHA. 

As always, Thank you for tuning in!! 

Like my good friend Rush says, "Keep god with ya, stay focused, stay sturdy."