Dating Life Series #18: Trust Issues & Insecurities

                TRUST issues & insecurities 

Photo By: @1shotbymichelle 

Seattle Asian Art Museum

 i'VE BEEN MEANING TO WRITE ABOUT TRUST ISSUES FOR A WHILE. I'm sure somewhere on my site i briefly wrote about trust issues and insecurities, the only difference is this post is a bit more in depth to what goes on in my head.  

  The inspiration for this post is about me pretending i don't have trust issues when I'VE ALWAYS HAD TRUST ISSUES. in order for my brain to operate, i have to shove my issues in the back of my head and hope for the best. i'm big on; think positive thoughts, get positive results. that is how i get through my days. it really does help me. in a way, it's a method of bettering my mental health. i'm obviously training my mind to think positive no matter the circumstance. but then there's small things that occur which cause me to overthink, create scenarios, and question every single move. then there's other times where i want a certain amount of attention or reassurance that i don't receive which also causes me to start overthinking. it's crazy because the slightest thing can change my mentality in a second and that is why it's really important to stay mentally strong and remind yourself to think positive, even if deep down inside you think it might be bad, at least you had hope. 

as said in an earlier blog post, none of my exes made it any easier for me since i got cheated on the majority of the time. I've forgiven but will never forget. humans are not meant to be good at everything. but with each human, comes a great skill set that someone else will find use for. 

   for me, the problem i've discovered is you can never really trust anyone 100%, you can only trust certain people for certain things. even if you do trust this person 100%, there will always be a lingering questionable 1%. people can change in the blink of an eye. for instance, i am good with keeping track of money but my friend samantha is not. you wouldn't want to trust samantha with payroll, or keeping track of any important finances because it's a liability at that point. but you can count on me because that is my level of expertise. you can use that technique in many relationships, friendships and even at work in order to get the best results. i'm sure we all have friends we call for specific things. i'm even more sure we've all had those boyfriends where justin was way better at oral sex than daniel. but daniel was way more romantic than justin. it's the same concept, just pick a situation, any situation. this last example i will give is a bit funny and extreme but i know it has happened before. let's say your boyfriend john has a best friend named rob. every time they hang out together they cannot be trusted. why? because rob wants to take john to the strip club every weekend, get shit faced and scout for boobies and butts. now it's 4am your girlfriend is calling you and you're face down in a random hotel with a stripper. basically, if you're in a relationship you can't trust your man to go out with rob but you can trust john to go out with his friend mark because mark is a real man with morals who only wants to enjoy a few drinks, good food, and catch up. the possibilities to who you can trust for what are endless. 

 i truly am working on bettering my mindset but men will be men. it's hard to believe that any guy i date wants me and only me when there's so many other women walking around. other women with more money than me, possibly look better than me, have better careers, etc. i don't know what goes through a guy's head at all. especially when a guy doesn't open up about anything. things like that can be the start of trust issues. how can i trust you if you don't trust me with your feelings? your heart? Whatever? there are so many possibilities for everything. it's hard to guess which one will occur. it gets harder when you have to decide whether to think positive or negative. what's really fucked up is when you think positive but the bad that you didn't want to happen or didn't want to think about, happens. you can either cry about it and continue to train your mind to think positively or you can cry about it and be angry about it in every single situation. 

   now that i am writing this, i remembered how in one of my blog posts i wrote about how you have to love yourself first in order for someone else to love you properly. which is 100% true. i love myself, i love everything about myself. sometimes i wish i could go back in time to redo all those mistakes i made, to make better school and career decisions. but without all of the things i had to go through, i wouldn't be who i am today. i love the person i am today. with all the experience i have and all the mistakes i made, i am able to teach those around me the better solution, give them better resources, better ideas, and better advice. i am able to look at myself as a teacher. i know what i bring to this world, i know what i am capable of and that is what makes me special. that is what makes me love myself more everyday. 

  my biggest insecurities that i don't really think about as often as i used to is me wishing i had a bigger butt, perkier boobs, symmetrical eyebrows, no more random eczema. i have a birthmark in the middle of my forehead that i have a love hate relationship with. i hate the bags under my eyes. but i love them because it shows dignity. sometimes i want to be skinny to fit in clothes, sometimes i want to gain weight to fit those pants i used to fit. sometimes i want more money. other times i wish i was broke again. i feel like in this generation with the insane prices on everything, it's hard not to care about money. money is something i tried my hardest not to care about. i grew up broke in the bronx but somehow i had it all and i was the happiest. i had to really sit down and snap back to reality because none of those things will make me happy. they will just make me appear as perfect, for some reason being perfect just sounded ideal. we all wish we had all the money and talent in the world the truth is, it's not ours because it wasn't meant to be ours, or we didn't work hard enough to get it. 

   

  i've grown to love myself. i've come a long way and i love myself even more for that. it still does not help my very few negative thoughts. if you want me to be quite honest, i think i'm just tired of reminding myself the same shit over and over again. i just want a man to tell me how beautiful i am everyday, and whatever else to make me feel good. i view it as helping me become an even better person while being patient with me. 

to conclude, this was a very personal blog post. I hope i covered most of what i was thinking. Sometimes i finish a post and think about something i should’ve added hours later. I started this blog because I felt like my thoughts and experiences will help other people going through the same things. I hope anyone out there with the same thoughts or insecurities as me finds a way to become happy. 

Remember to just think positive. I can’t promise everything will be alright because you are in control. As always thank you for reading ❤️