Dating life series #16: Random
RANDOM
SEX AND THE CITY
I haven’t had a real relationship since The 2017-2019 era of my life. From the looks of it now, I don’t think I will be in one for a long time. you may wonder why I say such A thing, But the truth is, I think I'm a little crazy (a good crazy) when I really like someone. the kind that would literally talk to you on the phone all day if I could. the one who expects a good morning, goodnight text or phone call every morning/night. you can't skip a day. I'm the girlfriend who is your rib... literally attached to you. the one who actually thinks of you all day, thinks of new ways for us to have fun, and new things to explore with you. the one who may or may not make scenarios and assumptions in my head because it doesn't make sense to me that you do no wrong. (if you do no wrong). I have this theory in the back of my head where I feel like one woman is never enough for men, so I assume the search for other women never ends. since I think this way, it messes up the potential of relationships I can have. I know I am good enough. I know I shouldn't have to think about competing with another female. the real problem is you can't really trust anybody 100%. the trust conversation is for a whole different blog another day. I'm the girl who would rather hang out with you everyday and not my friends. it's an intimacy thing, your friends don't treat you how your significant other would treat you. sometimes you just want to be loved, cared for, and appreciated in a different way that your friends can't give you. then again that depends on the kind of friends you have. the thing about most of my closest friends for 5-10 years+ is they're all too busy working just like me. they're also in relationships themselves, or live in a different state. We see each other when the timing is right. I have a bestie named will who I only hang out with maybe one night every two weeks. which is how it should be because, no offense, but I would get tired of him real quick, or any friend I see too often for that matter. we are all building our lives and putting ourselves in a position to be able to always have time to do whatever we want, whenever we want. we shouldn't be hanging with our friends everyday anyway because we're not romantically involved with them. if we're not business partners in something, there should be no reason why I am hanging out with you all the time. it's okay to make time for your friends here and there, just not everyday. this isn't grade school, we are in real adulthood now. We’re making moves.
during all the mishaps in my relationships or flings, I realized I kind of do like clingy guys. I would always say don't be clingy but that was because I wasn't interested in them. if I am not 100% fully invested in them, the clingy becomes annoying. this entire time I would tell all the men I am dating I don't like clingy, don't be clingy. but then there's always a once in a blue moon guy that I want to be all over me, that I'm totally interested in. those guys that I pick are always the most nonchalant. so I try not to be toxic because I don't want to scare them away. due to their laid back attitude, I'm always left wondering if they even like me. so I need consistent reassurance. If I don’t receive that, i start to overthink.
I've changed a lot compared to my last relationships. I had my moments in previous relationships where I would be the one physically abusing whoever I'm with. if I repeated myself too many times, if I felt like you weren't listening to me, if anything you did I felt disrespected by it, I would definitely slap you or throw something at you. I had such horrible anger issues. I would resolve issues with violence all the time, until I realized that if I keep doing that when I come across Prince charming, I will lose him. I plan on writing about all my domestic situations in a different post. thinking back on all my fights with old boyfriends, they're actually pretty funny. to some it may not really be funny because I could've gotten murdered but not to worry, I made it out alive and I am a changed woman.
I can admit I am a lot to handle. it takes a mentally strong person to be able to deal with me. you need to have patience with me. I either have high expectations or too much expectations for the wrong person. I like to think of it as I value and respect myself a lot, so much that I need someone else to match the respect I give myself. if nobody can treat me better than myself then I'm just wasting my time. I shouldn't have to teach you how to love, care or appreciate for me. you should notice how worthy I am and treat me as if I'm the fine china your mother tells you to be careful with. it may sound egotistical but it took a lot for me to be able to learn to love myself. to be able to look in the mirror and accept the things I consider flaws as natural beauty.
as women, we are natural providers of love and creating a home. any guy that I have been with for a while can tell you I looked out for them on many occasions. I ask if they're hungry, if they're doing okay. if I really like you, i'll buy you gifts just because. I'll even offer to take you on a date rather than the guy taking me and paying for me. I do anything in my power to make sure you know i really like you and I expect the same in return. I like the men in my life to feel like they can tell me anything without being judged. I like creating safe spaces. I always tell all the men in my life not to be scared to say anything on their mind. even if I am not romantically involved with you, I treat my dearest friends the same. I don't want to be the female in a mans life that ruins them or traumatizes them. I want to be recognized as the woman who opened doors to a different way of life. the woman who showed them a good time.
My last fling in late 2020 that my friend circle considers my toxic ex, wasn’t really my boyfriend either because every time we argued he would say things like we’re not official anyways or some bullshit like that. He never asked me to be his girlfriend either so basically, he was right. he also told me he loved me so I dont know, that entire situation-ship was toxic af. We dated for 7 months from September 2020-until early spring/summer of 2021. I’m going to name him gus. Gus had some past trauma that wasn’t healed I guess, so it was a horrible experience. I really think it was lust between Gus and I. That was not love at all. after that mess, I had a lot of reevaluating in my life to do.
Before that toxic fling with Gus I had a year phase of gaps where I would pick who I want to play with for a little bit then move on to the next guy because they ended up being too clingy or expecting too much from me. Ironically some of the guys I picked insisted on taking me out, or me being their girlfriend. but I wasn’t feeling them. I would only invite them over to smoke, eat or watch something and then have sex. but I wouldn’t go on dates with them. I sucked at keeping contact with these men because they weren’t interesting enough for me to care about. I would only hit them up days later telling them to come over. They were sex fantasy guys. I was exploring my options and taking advantage of my own space. plus as a woman in her early 20's, we all need to experience and live our hoe phase. you need to have sex with random guys, go on random dates, meet random people, do spontaneous things. it's a section in life where if you don't follow through with it, you will regret it later on when you're in a miserable marriage or an awfully long relationship. if you are a female in your early 20's, please read my other blog posts. also it's very crucial for all of the women in their 20's to watch sex and the city. that is what inspired me to start blogging about my dating life. back then my blog was about random topics.
After my dating experience with Gus, I waited a little bit. even though it was such a toxic situation, I still had to go through that grieving process when you end things with someone. I went back to picking and choosing who I want to have sex with again. One of the guys I was Messing around with had two babymommas, and a current girlfriend at the time. That was the first time I ever messed with a guy that had a girlfriend. The crazy part is he told me something (I don’t remember word for word) that made it seem like they weren’t together. So this one night I went to his house and obviously his girlfriend was blowing up his phone under “no caller id”. He would decline all of the calls. Then eventually she ended up coming to the front of his house. He left me in his room for an hour while he resolved that issue. he had the audacity to text me while he was upstairs, to not make any noise because she can hear through the window. After waiting for so long, he finally came down and I told him I wanted to go home and he called me an uber. I Didn’t speak to him again after that. he did apologize and wanted to hang out again but I felt disrespected so I was not going to put myself through that again.
The one last fling I would consider my last real relationship is an ex that i used to live with long ago around that 2018-2019 time frame. We'll name him Sam. things didn't work out because I would express my opinion to him about certain situations and he wouldn't budge to fix anything so I got tired of it and kicked myself out. this is one of those instances where my anger issues kicked in before I moved out. I threw a gallon of tide detergent at his head, it was half empty though :). he just looked at me. I don't even think he said or did anything, I was already in the process of collecting my belongings. After I moved out and we broke up, We would have sex randomly months far apart from each other because I would be busy having flings with other guys in between. We weren’t working things out at all or anything. I just felt like chilling with Sam sometimes. But I haven’t reached a year with anybody yet since Sam. Sam is one of those exes that I’m cool with but we don’t talk. Unless I randomly need weed since he sells weed. now there are dispensaries. All my other exes, I don’t talk too at all.
in my young adulthood, I had five official boyfriends. These relationships lasted two years each ironically. once they ended, it always felt like I wasted my time dating them. it felt like I wasted eight years of my youth trying to find a guy to settle down with. not realizing I didn't even reach my 20's yet. But that’s how it feels when you end on bad terms. Try your best to end things with someone peacefully. as well as taking a much needed break in between break-ups. All the guys I dated after those relationships weren’t really official but we were dating. Recently, things ended with a guy I really really liked. it didn't work out sadly. We talked for about six months. I think I was expecting too much from him, possibly overwhelmed him with all my complaints. I kept beating myself up for pushing him away but I failed to realize that if he really wanted to do any of the things I wanted him to do, he would've done it. I'm just not the one for him. I really enjoyed his company more than all my other flings. So props to him for being in the top rank right now. The main issue was I couldn't believe that he was only interested in me. I needed that constant reassurance from him, I wanted him to be obsessed with me as much as I was obsessed with him. he's just not that kinda guy though. it's something that would eat my brain daily. I also have trust issues because of my past so it was hard for me to accept he might've been prince charming. I can tell you that he did set the standards higher for the next guy even if he didn't meet my standards. after every fling, there's always something I take note of that I want or don't want the next person to do. I have never been more uninterested in other men after ending things with someone. even my closest friends saw the difference in how invested I was towards him compared to other people. so if by any chance, you are reading this in hopes of determining if I'm single and looking, I am single. not looking though. for now, I am just putting myself in a position to become a better person everyday while focusing on my craft and my mental health. one day god will bless me with a king, I'm in no rush though.
to conclude my mini dating memoir, just have fun and do whatever you want. once you hit 25 years old, then you can worry about settling down. Travel and explore as much as you can. don't worry about kids either, we're so overpopulated in a horrible world. I wouldn't even want to bring a child into this world under the current circumstances. I don't want any women to go down the wrong path. I make the mistakes so that we can all learn from my mistakes. I am also not a therapist so you probably shouldn't take all my advice, just whatever works or makes sense for your lifestyle.
As always THANK YOU FOR READING! - If you have any topics, questions, or scenarios that you would like for me to write about please feel free to leave a comment below, on the side bar, or on my home page clicking the "upcoming topics" tab.
As always you know the content is fire and the topic let us know even more about you. Top Tier writing!!
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