Dating Life Series #14: How soon is too soon?

           How soon is too soon?

                   

Ahh, this question gets me every time when speaking about the nature of dating and relationships. I have to ask myself this any time I’m infatuated with an ideal person. I’m sure a lot of us have dated those people that seem picture perfect. everything in the beginning always goes so smooth and amazing. you feel this sense of security when you’re with them. Sometimes It’s too good to be true. Then you start thinking wow I could totally live with this person, i want kids with them, i want them to marry me, i want to wake up to them every morning. I would do anything for them. The problem is you’re feeling all these emotions when it’s only been a couple months. How soon is too soon for you to start having those thoughts? Can you put a time limit on love and happiness? How do you know when the time is right? How long do you wait before you say “i love you”? 

   You can’t really 100% control what you feel for someone else. In a way, that person is responsible for making you feel this way. They showed you attention, opened up to you, intimately hung out with you (whether its cuddling, having sex, or making out and going on dates), complimented you, etc. They did these things because they’re interested in you. They made it easy for you to fall for them. If they’re not interested they just led you on. Let’s hope that’s not a scenario. So if you unexpectedly attain strong feelings for a special person, my best advice is to try and take certain things slow. Not everything has to be played by society’s standards or morals. 

   Having sex on the first date is something that shouldn’t determine your future with a person. There are prostitutes that end up getting married with kids and don’t prostitute anymore. There are strippers that end up the same way. If a crackhead can turn their life around, I’m a true believer in second chances.  So who’s to say that won’t be you? Minus the prostitution, stripping and drugs. I chose those scenarios for the purpose of worst case scenarios. It’s never too soon to have sex. Believe that. Have i had sex on the first date? Yes but I don’t usually commit to them after because they end up being not my type. So the one night stand ends up working out. Lol!! The point is, you shouldn’t be ashamed to sexually express yourself on the first night. Guys may judge you for it, other guys might love you for it. Use your judgment, and live how you want to live. That doesn’t mean have sex with every guy you meet on the first date, but sometimes shit happens when it’s meant to be. 

   Thinking about moving in with your significant other? I suggest to move in together after three years. Yes there are people that date and marry immediately. There are also people who date and move in together immediately. It can go either way. It can work out or not. It really depends how bad you want the relationship to work when you make that choice to move in together. My reasoning for picking three years as the mark is a few things. 

1. You want to make sure you both individually have your own spaces for a while. Every couple is entitled to space from their partner from time to time. You don’t want to risk being in each other’s way so soon.

 

2. You want to make sure that both of you have rid of any time consuming priorities that needed to be dealt with so they don’t clash with living together. (Finances, credit score, licenses, etc) I say this because you want to have time to enjoy each other’s company, and get settled in the house/apartment along with balancing your regular lifestyle including work, school, etc without any liabilities. You want to have time to build a future together. That’s usually what’s next. if you have too many things to accomplish it won’t work out. The stress builds up after a while, or you may never be home due to all the things needed to be done. You might not even make rent one month because of your unnecessary spending habits or debt. Get everything in order then proceed.

3. You need time to feel this person out, you need to be able to have patience, as well as test their patience (sounds bad i know) you just want to make sure they won’t actually murder you and stuff you in the dumpster for turning their socks pink or forgetting to put a timer on the oven. you need time to figure out whether they suit you or not. You want to make sure by the third year you know them better than they know theirselves and vise versa. I feel like it already takes a year to fully get to know your partner. 

   I love you is a scary sentence to confess. Sometimes it comes out by accident. Other times you try so hard to hold it in for as long as you can. But how do you determine “the right time” to say i love you? For me, I would wait about a year. As mentioned earlier, everything seems so dreamy in the beginning so it’s easy for you to question yourself. It always starts as a thought.” I think i love him/her.” Then the more you think about it the more you need to tell someone. Someone like your best friend. They might look at you like you’re insane but it definitely feels better the second you get it off your chest. wait until it doesn’t feel like an “i think i love them” say it when you know you love them. The reason i would wait a year is a few things. 

1. Most importantly, are y’all even in a relationship or just exclusively dating? There’s a difference. Relationship is “yea thats my girl, yea that’s my man.” Exclusively dating is more like to certain people thats your “friend”, to others you’re more comfortable with: “that’s my fling or “we’re just taking it slow” I wouldn’t tell a guy I’m in love with him until he makes me his legit girlfriend. 

 Don’t get me wrong you can genuinely love someone as a person. The same way you love your best friend. so it’s normal to love. But to be in love is different and scares some people away. Refrain yourself from scaring Prince Charming. hold it in until you sense the love is there on both parts. That’s if you want to be the first one to say it. You can also just wait for them to tell you first. 

2. You want to make sure that no unexpected red flags pop up. 

3. You want to give time to get to know each other completely. Depending how a year goes if you hang out a lot or not, it should be easy for you to know their favorite things, and pet

Peeves. Learn your significant other like you would learn a new skill, class, or job. Figure out what makes you so in love with them first. 

   Having kids is something that shouldn’t even be spoken about unless you really see your current partner raising your kids and being a damn good parent at it. There are many traits in a person that can hint you whether or not they’d be a good parent. Such as; responsibility, manners, accountability, loyalty, patience, cleanliness, etc. Something i wish they taught us as teenagers is you have all your life to decide if you want kids, don’t choose the ages of 16-23 to do so. People do have their preferences though. Have kids early you won’t be 60 years old raising 5 year olds. I get the idea. The problem is you want to have time to enjoy your 20’s the four e’s: enjoy, explore, experiment and experience. Everyone’s 20’s is where you find yourself, your purpose, your passion, figure out your type, and gain a tremendous amount of self-love and confidence. Preferably for me I would wait around the 3-5 year mark to plan for A kid. Im a little old fashioned though. Sometimes i want a wedding sometimes I don’t. I change my mind a lot. I think that if I’m going to have kids, I might want to do it the right way and get married first. It really also depends on the person and how strong my love is for them. 

  Last but not least we’ll be ending this with the marriage topic. For most of my life I always told myself I don’t want a wedding or a marriage. This is because all my life I’ve witnessed broken households, and divorces. Statistics say almost 40-50% of marriages end up divorced. What makes us so different that we won’t be apart of the 40-50%? If you want to get married i advise you to buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. If you’re lucky enough you may have a smooth ride. How soon is too soon for marriage? There are people that marry immediately, six months in, or a year in. I wouldn’t recommend that at all. I would at least wait anywhere between 5-10 years. It may sound ridiculous but marriage is spending the rest of your life together through thick and thin. You need to be able to handle that. You need time to tolerate each other. What if on the fifth year of being in a relationship you realize it’s not working out or it’s not what it used to be? Imagine getting married a year in, divorced by the fifth year. Not a good look and not a good situation to heal from. Especially if there’s kids involved that’s even worse. The kids have to witness the transition from living with mommy and daddy to staying over dad’s house on the weekends. I would never want to put my children through that. If I’m getting married we’re riding it out no matter what. (Im lying because if you cheat on me then I don’t know.” But besides that y’all get the point. Don’t get married right away!!! I know y’all may be obsessed with each other and all but patience is virtue!!! 

 

To conclude everything above, use common sense in those situations. Not everything has to be rushed. Take your time to enjoy the innocent days. Live your life, travel and explore the world Together or alone. When the kids come there won’t be enough time to travel. You have to make sure to do your part as a parent and then the family trips come later. Do things you never would’ve done alone, with each other. Or do them alone. Just live your life to the fullest! Get to know yourself first! Find yourself! Love yourself! 

Thank you for reading! I had fun writing this one. ❤️💋